[Si] TV

Boston Ring Party: Noble members of Red Sox Nation--fans of the ragtag bunch of overachievers who cobbled together last year's World Series win with nothing but grittiness, passion for the game, and the second highest payroll in the sport--curse the baseball gods after their team fails to go undefeated.

No Country For Old Dominicans: At age 50, free agent first baseman Julio Franco is signed by the Cincinnati Reds and becomes the only player with an at-bat in Washington D.C.'s new Nationals Park who also caught, killed and roasted a wooly mammoth.

Flo-Ridas: Blessed with more young talent than a To Catch a Predator casting call, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays boast stud outfielders Carl Crawford, BJ Upton and a trio of strike-out surgeons in Scott Kazmir, Matt Garza and Jason Shields. As swirling winds of baseball magic sweep through the muggy Florida nights, the long-suffering franchise surges to finish 20 games behind the Yankees and Red Sox instead of 30. Pop bottles!

En Fuego: With fearsome third baseman Miguel Cabrera and pitcher Dontrelle Willis joining the Detroit Tigers, city alderman present a plan to fireproof the entire city in preparation of a World Series victory.

Let Loose The Juice: Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro and Barry Bonds form a Harlem Globetrotter-esque barnstorming team called The Ragin' Roiders. They travel the countryside challenging locals in freakish feats of skill that include breaking wooden planks with their comically engorged heads and injecting hormones into their buttocks while blindfolded. Their catchphrase: "We Kick Asterisk."

The Rotten Apple: In hopes of avoiding another historical late-season collapse, N.Y. Mets fans capture team mascot Mr. Met as he leaves Shea Stadium after a tough 4-3 loss to the Atlanta Braves and ritually slaughter the plush baseball-shaped deity on a shrine devoted to high priest Mookie Wilson. "All that was left were his googly eyes," say CSI investigators.

Sick Days: With a new contract, a new team (his hometown San Diego Padres), and a new outlook on life, former Chicago Cub pitcher Mark Prior is finally able to accomplish his career-long dream of spending his multi-month visits to the disabled list lying on the beach with a cold Corona.

Who's On Third?: New York City tabloids go wild with speculation after Yankee 3B Alex Rodriguez is spotted leaving Manhattan nightclub Cain with another manly-looking blonde. All the speculation turns out for naught, when it is discovered the woman in question is simply Giants' tight end Jeremy Shockey wearing a sheer nightgown.

A Star Is Bourn: New Houston Astros CF Michael Bourn steals 50 bases and inspires legions of lazy newsmen to craft headlines reading "The Bourn Identity," "The Bourn Supremacy," and "The Bourn Ultimatum." The references prove eerily prophetic after the speedy outfielder gets into a clubhouse brawl and breaks teammate Miguel Tejada's neck in seven places before escaping to Bucharest with a forged passport.

Minority Report: The city of Cleveland is thrown into mayhem and confusion after it is discovered that beloved Indians' All-Star outfielder Grady Sizemore is actually half African-American. Following several after-school specials and a period of statewide introspection, Ohio apologizes for messing up the last two Presidential elections and promises to be a better State in the future.

Psyched: After his preseason "we're the team to beat" prediction came to fruition in 2007, last year's NL MVP Jimmy Rollins starts making prognostications with increasing frequency. The Phillies' shortstop has his confidence shattered when a box of Frosted Mini-Wheats fails to materialize in his kitchen cupboard on command.

Field of Seams: Dynamic Florida Marlin shortstop Hanley Ramirez leaves baseball to become a contestant on Project Runway. The organization has only itself to blame for his departure: Hanley's fascination in haute couture was sparked after the penny-pinching franchise began requiring players to sew their own uniforms.

The Getaway: Despite becoming one of baseball's most feared duos, Minnesota Twins sluggers Justin Morneau and Delmon Young enjoy such anonymity that they begin psyching themselves up for away games by robbing banks on the way to the stadium.

Castro's Renegades: After thesmokinggun.com posts documents proving most of the San Francisco Giants' roster is composed of SS Omar Vizquel's illegitimate offspring, the squad is replaced by a team of Cuban refugees-who go on to take the NL West pennant.

Disclaimer: The preceding predictions are as truthful as Roger Clemens in front of a grand jury.