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This a new blog I'm bringing to SiTV in the efforts to highlight amor - good and bad. The stories are inspired by true accounts of love, either from my own life or the lives of those that have wished to share tales of amor with me. As always, your feedback is appreciated...Enjoy!

MEMOIRS OF AMOR - PART 1 - LOVE EXPIRED

Immediately I can tell something is wrong with him although I know not what it is. He has the hardest time opening up to me – even after seven years. It seems the only time he can openly express how he’s feeling is when he’s beyond pissed off and every other word is a curse. Then and only then do I see his true emotions. He tries to excuse his harsh words by pushing them off on his anger but I know truth lies behind every frown and rise of his voice. How can I not take being called a bitch literally when it’s all I ever hear? It’s not as though in a serene moment he stops to take responsibility for his actions. In fact, I can’t ever really remember him taking responsibility for any error he’s made. After all, it’s not a sincere apology if it’s only offered after my tears and screams have demanded it.

Often times I lie in bed at night wondering how I got here. The nervous feeling that festers deep inside my belly is something I thought I left behind, hidden in dark childhood memories from the nights wrapped in fear when my little girl eyes filled with tears as daddy balled his fists again to prove how much of a man he was. But here again the feeling rises like bread in an oven and soon it will burn. So while I once looked at this man, who I’ve spent seven years of my life with, with an open heart and desire, I now spend sleepless nights contemplating my escape from this rotten love.

My daughters’ eyes hold the light from our dimming amor. All the passion, lust, infatuation and admiration that used to define our union can now be read in those two innocent eyes that have barely seen the world. When I stare into her beautiful face I almost feel jealous because her heart is so untouched – never having experienced heartache or devastation. At the same time my mind is in constant combat mode to protect her heart from ever having to experience it firsthand. An almost impossible feat, I know, but still I will try. If even to avoid some of loves tragedy from coming her way, being more then aware that the first step in her hearts protection is removing her from this hostile environment – killing the cycle.