[Si] TV

Later this week America will be tricke-- I mean treated to yet another Japanese horror movie remake. This time it's a joint called Shutter. The premise to this joint is that this white chick (Jane Shaw) marries this bird (Joshua Jackson. Only the third white man in the world named Jackson) and notices that in all the pictures she takes there's an Asian chick (More than likely a Japanese chick) in the backgrounds straight ghosting it like Amy Winehouse in the streets of London.

 

Now, I saw the original Japanese version to this joint and it was pretty creepy. Especially the ending. Though the commercials to the Americanized joint looks like it has more shocking images than the original, I'm tired of Hollywood jumping on Japan's beeeeezo (Bushwick talk for Penis). We're supposed to have the most creative writers and directors in the world. Yet we keep going to a well on the other side of the world when we have perfectly fine bottled water here. Vitamin water at that! Come on, son! 

 

Japan DOES NOT have the answer to everything. Sure their electronics are better than ours and The Karate Kid II was off the meatrack, but Daisuke Matsuzaka saw what time it was when he faced the NY Yankees. My man Derek Jeter hit a homerun off the boy. And Captain Clutch only hits like 2 homeruns a season! But that's neither here nor there...

 

Just the other night I was watching Ju-On 2 (The Grudge 2) and man that joint made my skin crawl like a midget inside a NBA locker room shower (Bop and weave, n*gga! That's one black eye you will NOT wanna tell fools how you got).

 

Yo man, why is Hollywood humma stuntin'?? All these wack ass movies like Fools Gold, Semi-Pro, The Hottie and The Nottie, Step Up 2 The Streets, 10,000 BC, WITLESS PROTECTION!!! Jesus H. Christ!!! Witless Protection was actually thought to be a good idea for a movie. Is it any wonder why this country is going into a recession??

 

I will say that I rather enjoyed the US versions to The Ring and The Grudge. They both cost me a few nights of sleep (Gloworm got plenty of mileage burned off those nights). And that's just real talk. But the sequels sucked harder than Karrine Steffans every could. Not to mention how horrible Pulse, The Eye, and Dark Water were.

 

And call me crazy, but how come in the US jumpoffs everyone is basically American, but the villains and demons remain Japanese. Only in The Ring was the girl white, but she had chinky eyes, so who knows what's good with that? It's gotta be a conspiracy.

 

American writers gotta step they horror game up. Stephen King's only capable of scaring old people who live in the Red States. Wes Craven hasn't done anything decent since Robert Englund retired. Meanwhile Clive Barker's parked at the muthafuckin' Blue Oyster (See Police Academy) and the only kind of meat on a slab he's thinking about... Man, I ain't even gonna take it there. But you get my point.

 

Big up's to George A. Romero for keeping it thorough for so long. Sam Raimi, you're a good kid, but there's always room for improvement. Eli Roth, weren't you David Copperfield? Rob Zombie, you is hot basura! Just give it up. 1000 Corpses; Devil's Rejects; Halloween - son, B2K made a better horror movie than you! Your movies made their movie, Somebody Help Me, seem like the new age Friday The 13th! You should be ashamed of yourself. If I were you and I made those movies and B2K knocked ME out the box with they sh*t, that's word to everything i'd retire off of GP. Straight up.

 

To close, all I wanna say is... Ms. Japan got it P-doppin', dunn!! Tell me i'm wrong! And oh yeah, get off Japan's d*ck too.